Have you ever driven your car and seen something on the side of the road that distracted you? Where you look is usually where you end up going.
I’m not really sure when it began, but I know that down the track of my Christian walk I suddenly discovered that the peace and joy I should have had was no longer there.
Looking back, I now realize what had distracted me. It was grief. No, it didn’t happen when Ewan died. It had happened many years before that. We had been coming along side some young people who had come from unhappy backgrounds, and when this ministry ended, I grieved. I grieved when contact was lost with them and our foster grandchildren. I grieved over our sons having to leave home early in life. I grieved over our parents dying. I grieved every time someone hurt my feelings. I grieved when Ewan stopped preaching. I grieved over the magazine having to close. I grieved for others and their sorrows; and yes, I grieved over Ewan being called home.
It was four months later that I moved to live in a granny flat on one of my family’s properties. My expectations that I would never be alone again were being fulfilled, but then I grieved over what seemed to be lost friends and the struggles to slip into living in NSW and in Sydney.
Ewan used to say, “If we have expectations, we will always be disappointed!”
When he died, I know I had expectations of others, including my family and myself. If they had been through some of the things I had, surely I would have done certain things to help them, yet my expectations were never fulfilled. We cannot expect others to think or be the same as ourselves, and so I grieved some more.
I then went to Bible College. My health began failing more and more and I needed to move out of Sydney. This made it extremely hard to do some of my subjects, but my grief, deep-seated as it was, also made things difficult. It took three years to complete my Diploma of Christian Studies, a one-year course. I was excited and thrilled to graduate, but also grieved because I had not been able to complete the B.Th. I dreadfully missed the wonderful fellowship with those at College; another form of grief.
It is now six and a half years since Ewan was called home, and finally I sit and delight in my Lord helping me to see that He was right by my side all the time and always will be. I also think of the yoke He offers us all; both easy and light. Yet I had sinned by allowing my grief to cause me to collapse and slip from His blessed yoke. I’ve confessed this sin to my Lord and asked Him to help me fully repent. To place His yoke back over my heart and shoulders, and to help me to walk in unison with Him once again.
What joy! He has answered my prayers and I once again know the wonderful presence of His Holy Spirit guiding me though my daily life.